CHOOSING JOY AND UPSIDE-DOWN DOG BOWLS
by Lygia Lovelace
It just kept getting worse.
Ever have "one of those weeks"? We came home from Chicago and were all reunited on Sunday evening. As I slowly unpacked suitcases, the laundry pile just kept growing. The house was a mess. The kids were tired and fussy, and I felt that same familiar ache of missing Bracken, and coming home to an uncertainty of when we would see him again -- knowing it could be at least 18 months.
Monday was cold and dreary -- the same as my mood. I opened my Bible and had my quiet time, but my thoughts were unfocused -- full of exhaustion, sadness, and a headache. During the day we received an e-mail from the facility where Caleb, our 15 year old Thai son, lives, giving a disheartening report of his behavior. That night as we had our weekly phone call with him, he chose this week to tell us that he plans on getting the information he needs to find his "real parents."
Ouch.
The week continued. We went to doctor's appointments and scheduled an MRI for Chase's knee, which was injured in gymnastics. We had yet another respiratory infection this week. We mailed off the last few items to Bracken from his room -- a sign that he is truly gone. I held back the tears. And my headache continued.
My mood worsened. I faithfully yet mindlessly opened my Bible daily, but just methodically continued with my study in Genesis, hoping to finish the book this week. Joseph sobbed as his father died (Genesis 50), and I sobbed from self-pity, grief, and exhaustion.
Joseph's brothers trembled as they thought Joseph might retaliate now that Israel, their father, was gone. Without emotion, I read of Joseph's life-giving proclamation of forgiveness and love for his brothers...they were just words on a page to me. I couldn't even marvel at Joseph's walk with God -- at his endurance, his maturity, his choice of joy over grief. My mind, my will, and my emotions were being controlled by my own circumstances. Tears ran down my face each morning when I came before the Father. And I couldn't think of anything to say.
Each day, no phone call came for a job for Ken. My head hurt, and feelings of unworthiness and uselessness filled my brain, and trickled down into my heart. With a feeling of sadness and finality, I put Bracken's Navy picture in a frame and set it on the counter, knowing it would gather the dust of time.
Ever have "one of those weeks"?
A sweet friend -- one I hadn't talked to in awhile -- wrote to check on us. I unloaded on her (sorry Carolyn) about my week. She graciously loved me anyway.
That's when, on Saturday morning, during my quiet time, I turned to the 1st chapter of Exodus and somehow ended up in Philippians. Do you know about this book? You just can't be depressed and feel sorry for yourself and read Philippians. It's a book about rejoicing, and Paul wrote it from PRISON! And here I was, all week, in my own home, with my own precious family. And still, I was full of depression and self-pity.
What a wasted week -- a week of listening to Satan's lies and discouragements.
And I know better! There was a time when I struggled with depression almost constantly! At that time, God showed me a better way -- He showed me how to go to His Word when I was feeling down. He built a shelter for me in the book of Psalms. He led me beside still waters there and nourished my soul. Normally, when I am feeling down, I take a break from whatever study I am doing and go back to that brook, to be fed deep in my soul.
But somehow, I forgot. And I wasted a whole week wallowing in my own mud hole of self-pity and grief.
Yesterday, as I poured out tears of confession before Him, He led me to write down as many things as I could think of -- things that even happened this week, to rejoice over. Here are a few things from my list...
...we've been unemployed for over a year, and never missed a payment!
...thank you for my godly husband, who depends on You daily for our every need!
...the kids have still been able to continue doing what they love -- singing, theater, violin, gymnastics...YOU oh Lord, are the Great Provider!
...I love the way the twins' faces look when they eat white sugar donuts! Thank you for giving them such beautiful black skin.
...I love to hear Grayson practice the violin as she learns to grow closer to You through her music.
...I love the way that Elijah and Josiah dress up in costumes. It's always a mystery, Father, who they will pretend to be! Thank you for their friendship and relationship as brothers.
...I LOVED the look on Bracken's face last week when Jonah told him his Navy hat looked like an upside-down dog bowl! Thank you for Jonah's quick wit and big heart.
...I love Emalee's laughter and victory dance when she gets up in the mornings!
...I love hearing Chase and Brooklyn fill our home with song each day.
...and thank you, Father, for Caleb. Even though his phone call this week was painful, thank you for his "I love you" to me at the end. Thank you for the way he talks and talks, sharing more and more of his heart with us.
Have you ever had "one of those weeks"? Surely we all do. It's a time in our Bible study when we must just stop and retreat to the brook, as David did, as Elijah did...and let God minister His healing Word to us.
Need a good dose of joy? Try Philippians. This prison letter is so freeing -- releasing us from the bondage Satan desires for us -- those chains of depression and self pity.
Choose joy.
Finally, brothers, (and sisters), whatever is true, whatever is noble,
whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely
whatever is admirable -- if anything is
excellent or praiseworthy --Think about such things.
Philippians 4:8
